It sucks when a day turns into a milestone that makes you flashback to so much loss. An annual reminder of how long you have lived your life without someone in it. A day you flashback to when you were a child and felt the worse pain imaginable. For 27 years, March 16th has been a day of mourning, a day of feeling incomplete, a day of “why her?”, a day of confusion, a day or feeling alone, a day of tears you can’t hold back even in public, a constant reminder of when my entire world got turned upside down. The day the world lost an incredible woman. My mother.
Every year on this day I go to the cemetery in her memory and it’s never easy. This year I decided to make a special bouquet for her. I am hoping it might help to use symbolism and to honor her instead of focusing so much on the loss of her not being here. I used flowers in some of the bright colors I know she would like. My goal was “let’s brighten such a sad and shitty day…….somehow.” Yes, the pink ribbon symbolizes breast cancer but to me, it also symbolizes that she was a fighter! The owl represents who she was as a person. She loved owls and they remind me of the happier times of my childhood as they decorated the house we lived in. But they are also very wise, strong and beautiful creatures…… just like her.
As another step of trying to focus this creation post in her memory. I want to end it with a photo of her and I that always makes me smile. My Mom was a funny lady and my brother and I get a lot of my personality from her. As you can also see in this photo 🙂 This one’s for you Mom! You may not be here physically, but your spirit will always live on within us. Thank you for giving us the foundation that helps to keep us strong. For the signs, you send to Mike and I that let us know you’re with us or that you know what we are facing. For bringing random people into our lives at just the right times that help to keep us going. Your love shines through them. Thank you for being the woman you were to help me become the woman I am.
Not a day goes by in these past 25 years, that I don’t think of, love and miss you beyond words….
A photo I carry in my wallet every day as a reminder that my Mom is always with me.
I did some major bedroom cleaning/rearranging this weekend to prepare for our Yogabed to arrive this week. My back is still hating me. Hate me as it will… it lead to 3 bags of donations for good will and more……
I was talking to my friend Heather about it all and told her how I also have all these high school dance dresses and bridesmaids dresses that I no longer can wear that I would like to donate but don’t want them ending in a pile of donations never to be seen by someone that could really use them. Or smashed in a garbage bag on my back porch waiting to be picked up and throw in the back of a truck. So many memories and meaning comes from each of them that it sort of broke my heart thinking about it. Hence why they are still in my closet. I told her how I had looked into some of the Prom dress donation websites but I had more then just prom dresses. I had stuff I wore to Homecoming and Turnabout as well. Short dresses that would not qualify and others that might be considered out dated by some of the charities even though the styles I wore were pretty timeless.
That is when Heather came up with an insanely AWESOME idea! She asked if I would be down to donate them to her friend, Emily who is the head of the drama department at a high school. She told me not only could they be used for some of their theatrical performances but also some girls who don’t have a lot come to her friend when they need dance dresses because they can not afford them. She also informed me that Emily does all the fundraising for the drama dept and a lot of times they are in dire need of items. My heart smiled! It was no longer hard to let go of these memorable pieces of clothing. I knew just from hearing this that this is where they belong! As one artist to another I know Emily will reuse these dresses and make someone feel magical all over again. Emily is insanely talented with a heart of gold! 🙂
When Emily saw the photos of the dresses she told Heather “It’s like Christmas!” and when she saw my old pink prom dress (I always referred to as Glinda meets Clueless) she was stoked. She is doing a production of the Wizard of Oz! This made me especially happy because this dress is the hardest for me to part with because it holds a lot of meaning to me. Not only because it was one of my prom dresses from the year I was on prom court, but because I specifically wore pink in memory of my Mom who passed away from breast cancer and always told me she liked me in pink when I was a kid. She might not have been able to be there to help me pick the dress out, do my hair and makeup with me, take photos with me etc. so this was my way of sharing that special moment with her. To know this dress will be used in such a artistic, memorable way just makes me so incredibly happy. It literally brings a tear to my eye. I know Emily can take that dress and turn it into something unbelievable.
Some of the others that are hard to part with are the dresses I wore to dances and prom my senior year when I was dating my husband, Frank. Just knowing those will either make another young girl happy or be used on one of the stars of her plays just makes me that more excited to donate them.
After hearing the drama dept was in need of items I also went through some of my old costumes that I have worn for Halloween and past photo shoots (back in my ole alternative modeling days).
Last night I reminisced about the dances I went to, the weddings I stood up in and the fun Halloween parties and photo shoots I took part in as I boxed them all up. It made me smile to know that someone else will get to share that joy!
Stay Spooky + Support The Arts!
This is one of the few and precious photos I have of my Mom holding me as a young batling. The look on both our faces says it all. Her looking so proud and me looking so happy.
Happy Birthday to the woman who in more ways than one, shaped me into the strong woman I am today. You are forever missed but never forgotten. Your legacy lives on in Mike and I because you gave us a solid foundation to live by. We will always be eternally grateful and proud for having such a courageous, beautiful and loving woman to call Mom.
Meet Vlad! The new addition to the Garcia family!
He is a red crested gecko! It’s hard to see it in the photos but he actually has red cheeks and a reddish orange tint to his body. Seeing he is “red” we found Vlad quite the appropriate name for him. My husband actually thought of it and as soon as he said it I was like “YES!”(this is why I married him, we think too much alike ha ha)! Of course Frank is already talking about putting skeletons on impaling sticks in the tank ha ha. Had it been female I am sure we would have went with Bathory or Lilith ha ha. The best part about owning this little guy is that once he is use to his new home we can actually take him out and hold him. He is actually very soft!
We adopted him from Pangea at the Reptile convention/conference that was taking place over the weekend. I fell right at home there. Almost as much as I normally do at a horror movie convention. So many tattoos, brightly colored hair, bikers, snakes, spiders and lizards! So fun! Even Kerry King of Slayer was there selling snakes ha! We missed the opportunity to get a photo with him because when we saw him Frank was like “Is that Kerry King?” and we felt funny going up and asking since he was just at a vendor booth. Then later when we got home we went online and found out that it was him and that he breeds snakes. How metal is that! So hopefully he will come back again next year.
We originally went there to purchase Axolotls but when we saw this little guy we had to have him. I was sold by the fact that he would be easier to take care of then the Axolotls and Frank was sold on the concept that he would actually be able to take him out and hold him.
He seems to like his little skull caves. He likes to climb on them and curl up inside them. He even sleeps inside them. He is just so amazing to watch.
I am glad we got him this weekend of all weekends as well. Now every year when I am down about my Mom I can look at this face and try my hardest not to smile back at it. Although I wonder if my Mom would be freaked out by him ha ha. She never liked my obsession with cats because she said they were sneaky ha ha. So I could only imagine what she would think of this little guy. Either way I am sure she would be happy that we found a new friend to help cheer me up.
Speaking of cats, Ichabod and Sabbath haven’t really noticed Vlad yet. Still waiting until they see him move. Good thing his tank is up and out of their reach 🙂
I am anxious to show this little guy to my Dad. He has always been a fan of small pets! I am sure he will fall in love with Vlad as well. How could you not? Look at this face….
Tomorrow marks another year my Mom has been gone. With the weather being so unpredictable and rumors of more snow tomorrow I decided to take advantage of the sunshine and go to the cemetery today instead. When Frank and I got there I couldn’t believe my eyes. The butterfly bouquet and the porcelain owl I put out there last time was still there and had survived the insane, harsh, deep freeze, Chicago winter! I couldn’t believe it.
I added the new flowers to the mix that was still there and texted my brother about it. I sent along this picture that I took/edited and said…
“They are still here… tough as nails… just like you and me… just like Mom” 😉
His response “hell yeah!”
My Mom might not have conquered cancer but she was the strongest person I have ever known! She was a tough cookie! And remembering that about her is what helped give me strength during my surgery and recovery process this past year. I might have had my break downs but I made it through it and I know she was there for me during it all. All the signs she sent to me and my brother have been taken to heart and seeing this today was yet another reminder of her presence and to stay strong! The irony though. Me even typing the word “strong” while tears roll down my face. I guess no matter how strong you are you can’t help but miss someone so much. To feel like a void is missing from your life that can never be filled. And knowing no matter what you do and no matter who comes in and out of your life that it will never go away. Does that make you a stronger person? A weaker person? Who knows. All that I know is that I miss everything about her and that I will never forget all that she was and all that I hope to be because of her.
Anyone that knows me, knows how much I love Roseanne and how whenever I am missing my Mom I just turn on an episode and it makes me smile. Shoot I even advertised her presidential campaign 🙂
So now go here and buy this for me: Roseanne House For Sale in Evansville. Ha Ha! No really please do 🙂