Yesterday afternoon I had to make one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I had to put my sweet baby girl to sleep. I know she is no longer suffering but it pains me every waking moment since it happened. I keep thinking back to when she was a kitten. She was the runt of the litter and she was scared of the world. She would be hiding when all the other kittens were trying to explore. We had already decided to take Ichabod and when I saw her I knew I had to take her too. I picked her up and she was shaking. She clinged to my shoulder with her claws holding on tight. It didn’t phase me. I just held her and told her “you don’t have to be scared anymore little one…. I am going to take you home and take care of you”
That is the same moment I thought about when I was nursing her these past few months. The around the clock syringe and tube feedings, measuring and administering her meds, cleaning up vomit, convincing her to eat, staying home with her to make sure she was not alone…. it all brought me back to that moment when I promised her I would be there for her. That I would take care of her.
Telling her goodbye I felt a harsh bit of guilt as if I let her down. Was there something else I could have done. Did I not do enough? Did she know how hard I tried and fought for her?
I just picture her sweet face looking up and meowing at me. Running to me when I would call her name. Turning her head towards me so I would kiss the top of it. Sitting in “her spot” on the couch next to me. Swatting bottle caps, Mickey’s caps and the tops of plastic spray bottles across the house. Catching flies in mid air (the never stood a chance in our house). Trying to spill my cup of water over when I would paint. Splashing her water bowl all over the kitchen for fun. Letting me use her as a pillow and purring the whole time while I did. Doing sneak attacks on Ichabod.
Everything reminds me of her. As hard as it is right now I will cherish those moments I had with her. She loved me on days I didn’t even love myself.
R.I.P. Sabbath “Sabby” Garcia. I miss you my sweet baby girl. May you no longer suffer as you cross the rainbow bridge. Mommy loves you. You will forever hold a special place in my heart. I will always be grateful to you and your unconditional love.